on my heart and mind....

I didn't realize how appropriate the title for this blog would be when I created it over a year ago. There is usually much on my heart AND my mind, at the same time, but until I reflect and read back, I don't realize how much time elapses between postings. I don't want it to be that way, time has been an issue this past semester, but it truly seems that I write the most when I am feeling the most. When I can no longer contain it and the words pour out. Sometimes I don't even know exactly what I am feeling until I begin writing. A few times I have posted someone else's words, such as song lyrics, when I haven't quite reached the point of being able to express my own heart.

This year has already been an adventure like no other. It has also been harder in some ways than any other -- yet because of this very fact, it has also been an absolutely wonderful year. Though it is hard for our finite minds to grasp, there is nothing like the pain and heartache and loss that God uses to take us right where He wants us to be: in His arms. I have not always rested there; because of stupidity I have even fought it at times; due to my sin I have not always run there first. But no matter how much I resist or what substitutes I try to find, He in His awesome faithfulness draws me gently back to His heart.

Right now my heart is hurting. I have many questions. I am weary. I am struggling to rest in
this place. But ya know what? In many ways, that is how we who know Christ SHOULD feel: because we aren't home. There is a quiet joy in the tears right now, because I'm looking forward to Home. I want to embrace this life, live it abundantly and pray God will cause my heart to rest in Him and the "home" He provides now. The nourishment, shelter, protection and rest is there to draw from right now. It's an unquenchable stream. I just can't wait to see the River.

Just as I am going to make an effort to write more, especially this summer, and not wait until I am so overwhelmed I can hardly think, I pray my relationship with my Savior will be more and more the same way: that I won't wait until I'm at "the end of my rope" or gasping for breath but that I will more consistently realize that He IS that rope - my lifeline - and He is the very air I breathe.