Forgive and...Remember Why

Today I was contemplating how much harder it is to forgive someone who isn't sorry for what they did to hurt you, than someone who is. 
And especially when the same hurt or offense is recurring. That's when it is a constant battle to keep forgiving; to not keep wallowing in it, mulling it over, and become angry and bitter. It is so much easier, in most cases, if the person is broken over their sin and repentant and seeking reconciliation. The slate is much simpler to wipe clean.

Then the most stunningly beautiful Truth hit me in the heart. Tears flowed as I realized what the Spirit was pointing to:

Jesus didn't wait for us to realize our sin and repent and show remorse. He - WHILE we were dead in our trespasses...WHILE we were YET SINNERS - died for us. He paid the highest price to forgive us and wipe away our wrongs, which were done ultimately against Him. He did this BEFORE. It was done. Finished. FIRST.

And yet I hesitate to forgive others?! I forget what was done for me before I even accepted the gift of it. Before I even realized my need.

Oh. And I also forget that the people I'm struggling to forgive are also forgiven, if they accept it. Their sins are covered by the same blood that cover mine. Their sin against me - which is ultimately against our holy God - is forgiven by that same God. Yet I think I have a right to hold onto it? Me, a fellow sinner? Me, who is just as experienced at being a stubborn, blind, selfish human?
Sure, it might look different. And in His grace maybe God has opened my eyes to certain things that they haven't yet seen. But even that is a gift! Not something I could have done on my own.

What if, instead of sulking around in the filthy rags of my self-perceived righteousness, I put that energy into praying that the person's heart would be softened to receive that grace I so desperately continue to need. What if I lay it down - however many times I need to - at the feet of the One Who forgave me?

Now do I still need to acknowledge the pain? Yes. That's the only way true forgiveness can happen. Do I need to grieve over a broken relationship or shattered expectations and hopes? Of course. That's the only way healing can begin. But does that mean I wait for an apology or remorse or reconciliation or change before forgiving? No. That would require a response from someone I have no control over. I am only responsible for my own response and attitude, and that is quite a full time job on it's own, thank you very much.

My Daddy used to love what Pastor Charles Swindoll wrote about the effect of our attitudes. We had it posted on a kitchen cabinet for years when I was growing up. It made an impression on me and it's something I try to teach my children. But I had never really thought about it in light of forgiveness...

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you. We are in charge of our attitudes."

When I read this while thinking about forgiveness, I was struck by how much it applies. How both forgiveness (or a lack thereof) and our attitudes, are a response to something.  How both are a constant choice and point to the state of our hearts.

And both are a one-way street: It doesn't depend on others. It begins and ends with us. We pray for and seek after reconciliation. But that part has to be reciprocated; forgiveness does not. 

In truth, it's less about the person who has wronged us and more about the One who commanded and equips us to forgive. Our forgiveness toward others is an act of obedience and gratefulness for the mercy He has shown us.

The fact that Jesus set us the Example of all examples in this area is the main reason to make the choice to forgive. 

However frequently. 

No matter the other party's desire to have it or their recognition of a need for it. Forgiveness must be there, waiting, because of Whose we are. 

Because He forgave us...first.

"...bearing graciously with one another, and willingly forgiving each other if one has a cause for complaint against another; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so should you forgive. Beyond all these things put on and wrap yourselves in [unselfish] love, which is the perfect bond of unity [for everything is bound together in agreement when each one seeks the best for others]. Let the peace of Christ [the inner calm of one who walks daily with Him] be the controlling factor in your hearts [deciding and settling questions that arise]. To this peace indeed you were called as members in one body [of believers]. And be thankful [to God always]." 

Colossians 3:13-15