I am not a musically gifted person. I have family members and many friends who are, but I’m more the “sing in a group or in the car so no one can really hear me” type. Yet I dearly love music. It’s a primary method of worship for me; it makes me dance; it brings tears and emotions words can’t express at times; it unearths memories otherwise nearly forgotten.
But I’m not a musician.
However, I noticed one day while singing (in the car, alone) and attempting to harmonize with the guy on the radio, that I do much better when I’m focused on the melody. When I don’t try to essentially make the harmony a song in and of itself, in my efforts to hear and sing it. The result is harmony more naturally happening and complimenting the melody of the lead singer because I am trying to tune out myself and primarily hear him.
Then it hit me: This is an analogy for love! Specifically in marriage. And convictingly, for me.
How often am I so focused on my “part” - my needs, my desires, my opinions - that I miss out on the beauty that comes from the two-part harmony in my marriage? It’s a sweet mystery how when I am more intent on the needs, desires, wounds, longings, etc., of my husband, we live a far more joyful song.
And if you’ll allow me to carry this analogy just a bit further….have you ever heard a song with three-part harmony? This blows my non-musician but music-loving mind. I feel like I’m swept away to a different dimension when I hear a gifted trio singing; three different parts, but beautifully blended.
This. I believe this is what marriage is TRULY intended to be. A three-part gig. With the Holy Spirit being the leading melody that we are created to be tuned to. Both following His lead, and our spouse in our close peripheral.
“And where does this leave me,” you might ask? “What about my needs?”
That’s the thing. I am not silent. I am still singing. I am still called to be authentic and I’m still heard. God doesn’t call anyone to be a doormat whose only purpose is to collect dirt and be abused and eventually thrown out.
But what He does call both spouses to be, is less. Less aware of self. Less assured I know my spouse’s heart. Less focused on his sin rather than my own. Less determined for things to look how I want them to, even if it’s a “good” thing. Less.
Have you ever heard people singing and the one (supposedly) singing harmony is far louder than the person singing melody? It sounds off-balance. The melody of the song is lost. And the song is definitely not pleasant to the ear.
I fear so many marriages today - even, or might I say, ESPECIALLY, Christian marriages - are “off” without even realizing why. Joy is missing, affection is rare, and grace is forgotten. I can only imagine how this breaks God’s heart, being the author of marriage and its beautiful, allegorical design.
I’m not a musician and I’m also no psychologist! But I have a theory: I fear we have forgotten what love is because we have forgotten Who God is. We are believing lies without even realizing it. We’re buying into our culture’s diluted and polluted version of love. In an effort to justify sin and spiritualize selfishness, we are jumping on board a lie presented as truth and losing our hearts in the resulting wreckage. And it’s a tragedy. We are allowing Satan to succeed in destroying our marriages (therefore families). We preach against sinful sexual lifestyles and yet give the world no attractive alternative. We may stay married, but it’s a miserable existence, turning our children against marriage by our actions. Or we divorce because “God wants me to be happy,” or because the other person “has problems” or because “we have become different people.”
Now are there situations of a legitimate unrepentant spouse who is inflicting constant emotional or physical abuse and God provides and leads a way out? Yes. I’ve seen this. And it’s been clear it’s needed and is how God is leading. But this is by far the exception. Unfortunately, the norm is a pattern that started long before the breaking point. Usually with both parties at fault. But regardless of the specific details, the tragic part to me is the lack of fight. The giving up when it gets “too hard” or a “last straw” is uncovered.
I’m convinced premarital counseling needs to be full of instruction to “suit up.” To start the marriage on the defensive. But not with each other; rather, armed and determined to stay on high alert TOGETHER against our common enemy. Who roams around, seeking whom he may devour and deceive.
But Hallelujah, we aren’t battling alone!! We have a conquering King on our side who has already ultimately won the war and equips us to fight the battles. And with each battle, we’re stronger and more bonded together. But we HAVE to be on the same side. We have to fight the true enemy and fight in harmony, tuned to our Leader.
The freedom found in the abandonment of self-awareness brings a joy that is hard to put into words. I know this only because I can compare it to times when I’m obsessed with my own part of the trio. When I’m determined the harmony part needs to be heard loudly and I end up off-key and ruining the whole song.
But when I allow the Spirit to lead and I contentedly sing along with the precious gift that is my husband, the peace and unity is beautiful. Is it always easy? No way. Is it worth the fight? Oh my. Yes. So worth it.
That’s the only way our home can be harmonious and most importantly, how we point to the Lord and His sufficiency and grace. And not to show off how wonderful marriage is (though it truly can be). But to show how amazing HE is and be a picture of the relationship He longs to have with us, His bride.
My prayer for the Church today is a stripping away of self. An authenticity and awakening to Truth. And a major place this needs to happen is within our marriages and families. Sexuality is the hot topic of the day in our culture and a God-glorifying marriage is one of the best ways to illustrate the beauty of God’s design.
So let’s fight….to sing. In breathtaking harmony, with abandon, tuned to our faithful Leader. Holding hands as a couple walking together into battle, knowing True Love is worth the fight.
And worth the singing.
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